A Baby Story: Part 1

It's been a crazy month and a half around here. Between finding out about our baby (then finding out we had two of them!), starting a new school semester, and traveling to Florida for my brother's wedding, we have had little time to process and breathe, or blog!

For those of you who have been reading the blog for any amount of time, you probably already know that we had a miscarriage a couple of years ago and have since struggled with infertility. We had grown quite accustomed to the monthly disappointment of a negative pregnancy test. Our hearts were weary, and we were beginning to think that God was closing the door of pregnancy for us and leading us towards adoption. For us, adoption was never a "plan B" option. But we had always hoped to have children both through adoption and pregnancy. The week before I took the test I really felt like God was preparing my heart for the reality of never being able to get pregnant again.

So when I took the test, it was a formality for me. I didn't feel pregnant. My heart was starting to be settled in the Congo or Ethiopia, thinking of the children God might provide for us. I had no inclination that I could be pregnant. In fact, I was just expecting another frustrating "not pregnant" result. And I was so wrong, because this is what popped up!

To say that we were shocked would be an understatement. There is something about seeing the word "pregnant" after two years of seeing the opposite that just takes your breath away. I could not believe it! In fact, I was so surprised that I carried the test around with me all morning just so I could stare at it frequently. And since we were so shocked and excited, we had to take a picture with the test together!

While my initial reaction was one of excitement and joy, my elation quickly turned to fear and anxiety. I began thinking of all of the variables that could possibly happen. I started obsessing over symptoms (or lack of symptoms). And even when the nausea kicked in with full force, I still couldn't shake the overwhelming fear that would overtake me some days (and still does). What I have had to learn throughout this first trimester is that no amount of symptoms, ultrasounds, or medical advice will remove my fear. It might give me momentary relief, but those ugly fears begin to rise up quicker than I would like them to. Why? Because circumstances will always fail me. Daniel asked me the other day if I feel like I have had to trust God more with this pregnancy than I have ever had to trust him before, and I had to say "yes." With infertility I had many fearful days, but they were not constant. But with this, it is a daily dependence on the God who sustains the universe and the little ones growing inside of me.

While I can hardly think straight most days, I'm thankful that God has allowed me to see my sinful fear and given me a place to go with those fears--straight into the refuge of his grace.

So, how am I feeling? Pretty pregnant. And I am so thankful for that. Every bout of nausea and exhaustion reminds me of these precious gifts we have been given. Do I like it? No, but I'm thankful for what it is pointing to--healthy babies. The nausea kicked in around five and a half weeks and has been my constant companion these last five weeks. I pretty much can only eat plain things. And no meat. Chicken and beef sound awful to me right now. I haven't cooked in weeks (my poor husband). I have never been so tired in my entire life, and I had mono in college, so that's saying something. But considering that these are all symptoms of a healthy pregnancy, I am not complaining at all!

All in all, this pregnancy is a constant reminder to us of God's gracious kindness towards us. These babies are a gift that we did not deserve, but that we praise him for every single day we have with them. He truly has turned our mourning into dancing. He has done great things for us. And he has given us two precious blessings that we cannot wait to meet. Which leads to the next post. We had no idea that we could be pregnant with twins. And that day is a whole post in itself!

To be continued...