We went to church yesterday for the first time since early March. In many ways it was surreal. We are still in the early phase of the re-opening, so a lot is different. The most important things have remained the same, but a lot of the familiar is gone. Even with the familiar gone, it did us all a lot of good to be back after such a long time away. I can’t remember the last time I was so excited to do something!
But this isn’t the first time I’ve been gone from church for a long time. When the twins were born prematurely I was gone from church for over two months. My Sundays were spent hovered over incubators. I missed a lot in those months. People joined our church and it took me forever to finally meet them. Life moved on in every way, but I wasn’t there.
The second time I was gone for a long time was when Ben was born. I entered the hospital in distress on an early Sunday morning and didn’t leave until a month later. I didn’t take my baby home until another week after that. I didn’t step foot in church for another few weeks after that. I missed so much in those months. But that time it was a harder transition back to real life. In the time between I had walked through significant trauma. I emerged physically unscathed, but emotionally I was undone.
As I walked into the church building, greeting friends I hadn’t seen in weeks, I fought back tears. As we sang songs of praise to God, I wept. As my healthy baby lay on my chest during the sermon, I reflected on the fact that neither of us could have been there. And yet, we were. Alive.
Going back to church brings back all of those feelings for me. This time around we’ve all walked through fire, not just in my own family, but in nearly every family represented in our church. This pandemic has brought waves of suffering, leaving no person untouched. Added to the suffering are the months of isolation brought on by the crisis. Some have lost jobs and had to fight fear about the future—alone. Some have lost loved ones and had to grieve—alone. Some have been overwhelmed by work and had to chug along exhausted—alone. Some have been thrust into educating their children while managing other responsibilities that didn’t end just because in-person school did. They did this alone.
Others have suffered not because of the pandemic, but in the midst of it. The suffering they face on a daily basis (pre-COVID) is made worse by the new suffering that COVID-19 brings for all of us.
Some have gotten cancer and had to walk through treatment—alone.
The months of isolation have taken their toll. And yet, we were not really alone. Even as we were apart these many months, we are still a family. We still worked hard to love one another well, despite our distance. We texted. We called. We sat in driveways and lawns. We prayed. We worshiped together even as we were apart—singing the same songs, hearing the same word preached. We suffered apart, but never really apart. This makes our reunion that much sweeter. We have all walked through this fire together, and as we walk over to the other side, burned but not destroyed, we have hope.
In the psalms, whenever a psalmist is speaking of a personal deliverance he always comes back to Israel praising God. He may have been the one suffering, but he knows that his suffering is never just about him—neither is his deliverance. He suffers with the body of believers and is delivered with the body of believers. He may have personally been hurt, but as God’s covenant child, he is never truly alone. He has a people to call his own. The same is true for us. We all have testimonies of God’s faithfulness to us throughout this crisis. I imagine we also have memories of feeling like he forgot about us, too. I know I do. Regardless of how you experience this pandemic, your reunion with God’s people is one of collective rejoicing. You walked through the darkness together—and you walk into the light as one.
There was a lot of talk about what the pandemic would do to the church as buildings started closing in March. I don’t think we know yet what any of this is going to do to a whole host of things. But I know for me, it made me love the people God has called us to even more. And it’s good to be back in church.