One of the scariest things in the early days of my diagnosis is that the pathology was unclear. Best case scenario, the cancer was contained. Worst case scenario, it had spread beyond what they could imagine. This fear was heightened by the fact that all the normal tests that catch cervical cancer failed to detect mine. I was diagnosed long after they usually diagnose women. And that terrified every medical professional I saw.
For as long as I can remember, I have loved sleep. Sometimes I wake up in the morning excited for when I can sleep again. I can sleep pretty much anywhere. I like naps. I just really love sleep.
Until I couldn’t sleep any longer.
For the better part of a year (and off and on for a few years) I have dealt with bouts of insomnia.
This is Sunday will be my fourth Mother’s Day with full arms. Each year my arms feel more full than the last, and this year is no different. But not every Mother’s Day has been this way for me. While this might be my fourth happy Mother’s Day, it is actually my sixth Mother’s Day. I remember that one so clearly. We had just passed the due date for our first baby. Daniel quietly celebrated me for the life I carried briefly, though my womb and arms remained achingly empty. I remember every quiet Mother’s Day after that, when I wondered if God would ever answer the cry of my heart for children this side of heaven. I remember the Mother’s Day after our second miscarriage, when my arms were full with the twins, yet I still longed for the baby I would never hold in this life.
Mother’s Day can be bittersweet for so many of us.
It’s a good time to be a Christian woman who writes. I have benefited from the writing of many godly women who have pointed me to Jesus and opened the Scriptures to me in the pages of their books. Christina Fox is one such writer. I’ve enjoyed reading Christina for a long time. Her writing is Christ-centered, filled with Scripture, and done well. So I was excited to read her new book, A Heart Set Free: A Journey to Hope Through the Psalms of Lament. It did not disappoint.
“Just wait until you have kids. You will never sleep again.”
I’ve uttered my fair share of “just waits” to people over the years. Just wait until you get a real job in the real world, just wait until you get married, just wait until you have a toddler, just wait until they are potty trained, just wait until you have one, two, or three kids—just wait, it’s going to get harder.
I’m not doing that anymore.
So much of our unfinished business is part of life in a fallen world. Sin has infected every part of our lives, leaving work thorny and difficult, relationships messy, and life just plain overwhelming at times. Even our sanctification feels unfinished most days. We take one step forward and three steps back with that besetting sin. We see growth in our response to circumstances only to be met with a heart that distrusts God in the next test. Our to-do list may be unfinished, but we also feel the weight of the unfinished business of our soul. I know I do.
But there is one thing we can bank on being finished right now—the problem of our sin.
In January 2007 I started a blog. I had been out of college for over half a year and wanted to practice the craft I had gone to college for. So I wrote and wrote and wrote. Here I am nine years later. I'm married. I have kids. I've written a book. And it was time to move my site over to a more permanent and professional place.
The holiday season provides a lot of time for fullness. Thanksgiving flows into Christmas and we can hardly remember what it felt like to have an empty stomach (or buttoned pants). The predominant theme of Christmas in the West is plenty. We have plenty. Presents spill out from under our Christmas trees. Our parties have food left over to last us into January. And we aren't the only ones who know what plenty feels like.
